Help
I’m here. I’ve built up enough courage to. I can feel my heart thumping against my ribs, trying to bruise any bone it can – and it is working. The emotions building up inside of me are reaching unbearable. I can't be here - facing up to my demons - but I am, and it's too late to turn and run.
My steps come to a halt. I'm stood in front of her, just two feet away. But I know this time it is different - the circumstances have changed. I know she won’t talk to me, listen to me, forgive me: but I'm still going to say what's needed. Just two feet away. I can tell her the guilt, the loneliness and resentment towards myself I have felt. All I need is five minutes, and then hopefully, I'll have no more. No more guilt, no more resentment, no more human emotions...
I open my mouth to speak - but the words won't escape. It’s like I've shutdown and cheated myself of my only hope of clearing my conscience. My new found haven, anger, has returned. The anger has been part of me that's still alive - one of the only things I have left of my pitiful life. I find it impossible to not be angry at myself and hate myself for what happened. Three months it has been now. Three months. I want to turn and run, never come back. But then I remember that I have nowhere to go. What exactly is the point of running, when I have nothing to run to? I've figured out, that saying what's needed is the only way I can turn and walk away.
I try to talk again, and this time the words escape. "I know it has been a long time - I guess all I can do is apologise for that." As those words leave my mouth, I realise that the sharp and full of life eyes aren’t going to meet mine. That hurts more than anything else could possibly hope to. "That's not all I need to apologize for though is it? I have to apologize for three months ago. What happened back then." The easy part is over. The hardest part and the right thing to do are yet to come.
Again with the thought of running. Am I that much of a coward? Do I want to run because I know she won't follow? I leave these thoughts and press on with what's needed to be done. "It - it wasn't supposed to turn out the way it did. The accident. The moment that was the beginning of the end - for me and you." I've always thought of how to re-live the event. This is the first time I have talked about it since it actually happened. My secret isn't much of a secret in itself, more that it's just something I've bottled up. I've bottled up my true feelings for so long now, I think it’s time to reveal them.
"Everyday I've lived in regret and anger at myself. This wasn't how it was supposed to end." I can feel my eyes welling up; I'm beginning to loose control of my words again. I've come this far, I can't just give up and leave now. "It was all just some stupid mistake on my behalf. You didn't have to pay. You didn’t have to loose everything because of me." My throat chokes again, only murmurs and whimpers seem to leave. I can taste the tears that are sliding down my cheeks. I just need to take deep breaths, and count to three. One... Two... Three... I try to calm again, clear my head and try to keep control. Shouting, screams, cries for help. They're all replaying like a broken record in my mind. But it's not just my voice, my screams, my cries - they're also hers. I come back to reality. It hits me like crashing into a brick wall - which is ironic to an extent.
"That day, three months ago, was the worst day I have ever lived. I didn't just loose my way of life. I lost you too. No matter how much I try to convince myself it wasn't my fault, I fail." I'm shaking, convinced I'm about to be judged, as though I am giving a statement in court. "I honestly can't explain what exactly was going through my head as my hands came in contact with the cold steering wheel. Maybe I was trying to be arrogant - it wouldn't be the first time. I may have been worried I was going to mess up my first major car journey since I passed my test. Or it could have possibly just been my general immaturity that got the better of me." I pause, allow drops of water from my eyes to flow, and then I continue. "But for whatever silly and inexcusable reason - I messed up. I went too fast. I-I lost control... Next I know we're both covered in red. Covered in our blood."
I gaze at the white marble stone two feet away. Situated there because of me. "I am so sorry that the events didn't turn out the other way. You were meant to stay for a much longer time. But your time was taken away by me. I know it's silly to be apologising now, especially as you're not here. But this is the only escape I have left, and now I've finished I can walk away. But I can't just walk; it's not fair to you."
As my eyes meet the beautiful grave, I can't help but take comfort at how well it has been looked after. The elegant roses placed side by side of a bouquet of fresh flowers, the magnificent carving on the stone and the heartfelt memories written on the cards left. But the greatest comfort comes from the message left in her memory. The text that has been craved as a permanent reminder of what she was like.
The comfort some words can have is unbelievable. As I continuously repeat reading what I see, I feel my mouth stretch across my face. For the first time in months I have done something I believed I could never do again. I have smiled. I have done what I thought impossible, all because of these words;
"A spirit may be gone, but an angel has come.
Life moves on, afterlife begins.
With you I will be, even though you can’t see.
Live life with no bitterness, forgive and forget."
"In loving memory of Sophie Ramsay.
22nd October 1998 - 15th June 2013.
A beloved daughter and sister who will be truly missed.
Rest in peace."
She is missed, and will be forever. By her older brother that was supposed to devote his life to protecting her - but achieved the complete opposite instead.
EDIT: I know the ending is cheesy and dire! So sorry there!
This post has been edited by amiebeth: 28 November 2009 - 01:04 AM
Reason for edit: Typo
I chose Sophie in the end just because I thought that Harry would find it more difficult to accept. I know he'd be devastated if he killed Kate in an accident - but I think Sophie would be a bit harder for him to live with because she's younger than him and I could imagine him feeling that Sophie needs looking after more so than Kate. I wanted to write a Harry fanfiction because I thought his character was easier to write than others.
I'll admit this story is loosely based on myself (obviously I didn't crash a car and cause a death) but I have felt guilty for not saying goodbye to someone when I had the chance. 
